The Devil wears Prada AND drives a Minivan

You didn't think I forgot about this blog, now did you? I've just been busy lately. In the last week we've been to Chuck E Cheese's... twice, Greekfest at St. Nectarios where Danny and I had a screamfest over onion covered gyros, the Field Museum to see King Tut's loot, the ER at Northwest Community Hospital (don't worry, everyone is healthy and intact), Arlington Park Racetrack and lost more money than we won, three different Targets and a Sam's Club where I was reminded how much I hate the Waltons, Kiddieland, boating on Fox Lake... twice, the Hyatt Regency Woodfield to celebrate our 12th anniversary by eating hot wings in bed and falling asleep to the History Channel while the kids spent the night at the inlaws, and an afternoon spent in my parents' backyard marinating my offspring in a play pool filled with grass clippings and bits of twigs and leaves.

Know what I kept thinking as we did all that? Well, besides "I'm tired and really need a nap." I just kept thinking, "Why in the world would anyone willingly drive an SUV?" You see, we were forced to rent an SUV as they stock very few minivans and the ones they did have were already rented out. We even got a free upgrade to a "much larger and nicer" SUV. I believe it is a Toyota Four Runner which should really be called the Toyota More Dumber.

Now, before you tune me out for being a clean air loving envirofreak (which, of course, being an air breather, I am), hear me out. This post has little to do with the costs of air pollution, parking and traffic, dependence on foreign oil, consumerism, bloodshed and war, roadway menaces, and general ugliness that SUVs bear down on our country, future generations, and, indeed, the world entire. No, no. This post is simply about utility and vanity.

I am all about sacrificing utility for vanity. For the love of Prada and all else that is over priced and superficial! I am the same woman who hiked Diamond Head in three inch wedge platforms that made my legs look long and lean and damn hot for a 30 something, overweight mother of two despite the handicap they imparted as I lugged my rather large backside up the mountain. Vanity thy name is Heather!

And it is with this in mind that I will tell you SUVs are neither useful nor flattering and if you own such a beast, take it immediately to the dealership and get yourself something that is better suited for someone with say, enough gray matter between the ears as to generate even a remote glimmer of a brainwave. In other words, if you can read this, you're too smart to be driving such a dumb ass vehicle even if you drool on yourself while reading.

There is just nothing utilitarian about SUVs. They are large and bulky and difficult to drive and park. And, at the same time, not much bigger inside than your average sedan. The piece of shit we're currently driving comfortably seats four with room enough in back for a small stroller and a diaper bag of average size. Throw my Louis Vitton handbag into the mix and we're cramped.

The doors swing open instead of sliding which means that if you are parked in between two other dingbats driving oversized, overpriced, and over glorified SUVs, you can forget getting your kids in or out of the vehicle. You may not be able to get out yourself. The doors simply won't open wide enough.

The gas tank costs 70 bucks to fill and it probably gets about 3 miles to the gallon. At least it feels that way compared to my minivan. We're always shelling out money to fill that fucker. The air circulation sucks and the engine seems noisy. Plus, the cab sits way the hell up off the ground for reasons I'm sure having to do with its off roading capabilities. Yes, yes, it does have 4 wheel drive which I'm sure is a good thing for those who wish to take it out into muddy mud pits in the middle of nowhere, but for a fat, suburban housewife with small children it's of no difference. And I don't think Enterprise Rent A Car would appreciate it much if I did take it off roading.

So, to review, an SUV is of little utility.

Why then, why on earth, why in the name of all that is hot and trendy is the SUV taking over our country? I'll tell what I've gleaned from asking those that own such beasts. Misguided vanity.

I've heard time and time again, "I could never drive a minivan," or "I'm just not the minivan type," and "I swore I would never own a minivan." My personal favorite, "My husband/wife would never allow a minivan." These deluded individuals seem to think that a minivan will make them look like... oh, I don't know... like... ummm... the middle aged parents they are! And that somehow an SUV is going to make them look young and sporty. Really it only makes them look pathetic.

Think of the balding fat guy going through a midlife crisis that drives a 'vette through town with The Cure blasting through the speakers. Do you think he's hot? No, he's pathetic. So is the minivan mama struggling to pull her supersized derriere into the front seat of her sparkly Lexus SUV by using the old jump and hoist technique while her children sit smashed in next to one another and the dog must run beside the car since there just ain't no room inside for Rover. Quite frankly, it is unflattering as hell and I'm perfectly happy to sit in my unsporty minivan that I can climb into in such a way that simultaneously deemphasizes my jiggly belly and draws attention to my super sexy legs in pricey Prada shoes.

Driving an SUV for vanity is pathetic and dumb. Face it, an SUV is NOT going to make your boobs perky or allow your husband an erection without the use of Viagra. It isn't going to smooth away the years of tanning bed use or make your size 8 jeans fit without a visible camel toe. You aren't going to be cool again or hip or know that Nelly is a boy who raps and not a mean girl on Little House on the Prairie just by driving an overpriced status symbol that guzzles gas and pollutes the air.

Hell, even I know that 50 Cent is sick and I drive a minivan.