Mooo

I pay almost $9 for a gallon of milk. Yes, yes. Nine American dollars (and you thought my leaky apartment was expensive). We go through almost a gallon of milk a day, between my kids drinking habit and my yogurt addiction. I think crack cocaine might be a cheaper habit. I might look into it.

There is cheaper milk on base here. I think it comes out to maybe $4 a gallon. But it is ultra pasteurized and tastes horrible. My kids, particularly the milk guzzling Reilly Kate, won't touch the stuff. And honestly, I can't blame her. I don't think she should be drinking anything with an expiration date 3 months away. And you can't make yogurt out of the stuff, either. It's lacking essentials killed off in the intense pasteurization.

So we buy raw Korean milk. But not just any raw Korean milk. Oh, no. Mama has lived in Korea far too long to just buy any old milk off the shelf. We buy Einstein milk produced by the NamYang Dairy. The carton reads:

EINSTEIN Naturally Produced DHA Milk-Einstein A Precious and ExtraordinaryMilk Produced with Special Care Using advanced biotechnology, Einstein is a completely different non-fortified natural DHA milk produced directly from milk cows. Einstein is produced only in designated farms with exceptionally good natural surroundings where healthy milk cows are screened and cared for with special feed to maintain their top conditions. The stringent quality control system in every process that no others can imitate helps maintain the value only Einstein has. Milk for your precious family - choose the best, Einstein100% Natural Milk with no other ingredients.

How can I go wrong with this stuff? It's got DHA in it. Naturally occurring DHA. These poor cows must be brain dead by now. Really. I know. I was smart once. And then, I became a cow.

You see, DHA is a brain building compound. You need DHA to help your body replenish your brain cells, which, just like skin cells, die and become rebuilt. Happy Heather was skipping along in her intellectually superior life when all of a sudden -- WHAM -- she begins lactating. Okay, so it didn't actually happen with a WHAM. But, just follow along with my story.

Suddenly, Happy Heather cannot remember even simple things, like the word "suitcase" or the name of the asswipe who holds the seat in Illinois' 11th Congressional district. And forget about having a conversation any deeper than should Dora take the yellow path or the blue path or why is it that the Canadian frog-brat Caillou whines every damn thing he says and his mother doesn't slap his mouth for it? My brain had shriveled and gone to mush.

For the longest time I didn't know why. I had convinced myself it must be early Alzheimers disease when I saw an article on formula companies adding DHA to their...uh... formulas. The reason for this was that it was found that breastmilk is very rich in DHA. Hence the reason formula fed babies are, well, dumb and breastfed babies are, of course, brilliant. I, by the way, was formula fed. My brother Danny was breastfed. There's like a 100 point difference in our IQs, his being the higher. Thanks, Mom. When I'm home this summer, I'm going to spit in your coffee every day when you are not looking.

Anyway, despite my mommy fog, I focused on this article and that's when I had a crystal clear moment of realization. I am not taking in extra DHA and yet my body is pumping out a lot of DHA. Thus, my brain is suffering from a lack of building materials and is atrophying.

My children are making me stupid.

After I got over the initial shock and bitter resentment, I came to terms with it and accepted it as my lot in life. Besides, my kids will be so damn smart they'll be sure to get full ride scholarships and I can use their education funds for plastic surgery. Then, after they are educated and successful, they will send me off on lavish vacations and shower me with ridiculously expensive gifts. This $9 a gallon milk is just like furthering my initial, personal DHA investment, really. Plus, if I partake in it through my yogurt, maybe I can rebuild some of what I lost.

Until then, though, I'll just hold on to my fantasy of whimsically packing my.... uhhh.... box thing for transporting clothes and jetting off to... ummmm... you know, that place with the tower... the one with good food... in Europe... the Mona Lisa's there... help me out here...