Ten Minutes with Reilly Kate -- A Monologue

All who know me, know that I have the gift of the gab.  But my dear, dear daughter is outshining me in this category.  As I was driving down the road, clinging to my small shred of sanity like a dieter to a crumb cake, it occurred to me to share this with you.  So here, to the best of my recollection, is a brief snippet of our conversation:

RK:  Mama?  Mama?  Mama?

Me:  Yes.

RK:  I need my teddy bear.  Where's my teddy bear?  My pink teddy bear.  Where is it?  I need it.  Where is it?

Me:  I don't --

RK: (interrupting, not waiting for my response)  It's at home.  Turn this car around.  Go home.  I need my bear.  Where is my bear?  My pink teddy bear?  Where is him?  I need him.  He's at home.  Let's go home.  Turn the car around NOW!  Go home.  Hooooooooome. (starts crying and kicking the back of my seat as I'm driving).  Hooooooooome.   Hooooooooome.  I neeeeeeed my teddy bear. 

Me:  We're not going home.

RK:  We're going home. YEAH!  YEAH!  We're going home. YEAH!  (kicks the back of my seat for emphasis)

Me:  Do not kick my seat, please.

RK:  (continues kicking)  I need my bear.  Where's him?  He's at home.  We're going home.  YEAH!  I'm thirsty.  I'm thirsty.  I need some juice.  Mama!  I'm thirsty.  I'm thirsty.  I have a headache.  I need some juice.

Me:  You will get juice if you stop kicking me.

RK:  (kicks) I neeeeeed juice!  Gimme juice.  I need some.  I need it.  I need juice.  I have a headache.  I need some water.  I need water.  Can I have some water now?  I'm thirsty.  I have a tummy ache.  I'm hungry.  I need some food.  I need some crackers.  Gimme some crackers.... PLEASE!  Please, I need some crackers.

(I hand her a handful of crackers)

RK:  No!  I need just one cracker.  Take these.  I need ONE.  Just ONE.  One cracker.  (eats her cracker)  Where're we going?  Mama?  Mama, where're we going?  Are we going home?  No.  We're not going home.  Mama?  Where are we going?

Me:  To the clinic.  I need to get a blood test.

RK:  To the clinic?  Are we going to the clinic?  We're not going home?  We're going to the clinic?  You need a test?  You gonna get a shot?  It's gonna hurt.  You're gonna get a hurt.  You are gonna get a boo boo.  It's gonna hurt.  I'm not getting a shot.  Are you getting a shot?  I'm getting a shot.  The doctor's giving me a shot in the stomach because I have a stomach ache.  I have a stomach ache.  We're going to the doctor to get a shot for my stomach ache?  Mama? 

Me:  No.

RK:  Whatchya doing?  Driving?  Driving to the clinic?  To get my stomach out?  Is it raining?  I see raining.  It's raining.  Them's storm clouds?  Yeah, them's storm clouds.  I see 'em.  I don't look at the sun.  The sun is bright.  I don't have sungasses.  Where's my sungasses?  I need 'em.  I don't look at the sun.  I see the moon. There's the moon.  He's sleeping.  I'm not looking at the sun, though.  I see the clouds.  It's raining.  Mama?  Is it raining?  Where're we going?

Me:  To the clinic.

RK:  To the clinic?  Where's Daddy?  He's at the clinic?  No, he's at work.  He's in there?  No.  Mama?  Is it raining?

Me:  Please, for just 5 minutes, shut your mouth and be quiet.

RK:  (silent for a count of 20 then in whispered voice)  Are you driving?  I can drive. 

Me:  Reilly, please be quiet for just one minute.

RK:  (in a normal voice) I did already.  I did be quiet. I'm gonna be loudy.  I'm loudy.  (screams) Loudy.  (screams again)  I'm gonna be loudy.  I did be quiet but now I'm loudy.  My teddy bear's not here. He's at home.  We're not going home. We're going to the clinic.  We're going to get my stomach out.  Brother's not going to get a shot.  I'm getting a shot.  Are we driving?  Are we driving in the rain?  Mama?  Are we driving?  I wanna get down.  I'm done.  I wanna get doooooooown! (whining now) I'm DONE!!! I'm DONE!!!  I'm DONE!!!

Me:  You can't get down till the car has stopped.

RK:  The car is stopped.  The car is stopped.  Is the car stopped?  We're driving to the clinic?  Mama?  I want some fruity snacks.  I want some fruity snacks. (now singing) I want some fruity snacks.  I want some fruity snacks. (getting louder) I want some fruity snacks!  I want some fruity snacks! I WANT SOME FRUITY SNACKS!!!

Me:  We don't have any.

RK:  I want some.  I want some fruity snacks. We have some.  We have fruity snacks.  I want some.  Whatchya talk to, Mama?

Me:  Bad drivers.

RK:  Bad drivers?  Them's bad drivers?  Where?  I see them.  Bad drivers. You talked bad drivers?  Mama?  I see them.  Them's bad.  I have a tummy ache.  I have a tummy ache.  I want some fruity snacks.  I need some.  I want some.  Where's Daddy?

Me:  Reilly, you need to use your ears more and your mouth less.

RK:  Yeah,  I need to use my ears.  I use 'em.  Them's there.  I can't eat them.  I can't eat my ears.  I can eat my lips.  I can eat my boogers.  I can't eat my ears.  I have ears, though. I can't use 'em. 

 

Need I go on? 

The funny part is when strangers come up to the cute little thing.  Like at the clinic.  A woman came up to her and started a conversation simply by saying, "Is that your brother?"  And Reilly Kate says:

"Yeah.  I have an eyeball.  I have an armpit.  Brother has poops.  Mama got a shot.  Did you get a shot?  It's a boo boo.  The doctor's gonna take out my stomach.  I can't take off my fingers.  Them's stuck.  (pulling her fingers)  I can't get them off.  I can't get off my head.  My neck is stuck (pulls on her neck)  I can't get my head off my neck.  I have a throat.  And a stomach.  I have fruity snacks but my pink teddy bear is at home.  Mama won't drive back home.  My daddy is at work.  His back hurts.  He's got a bad back.  My baby poked my eyeball.  I have an eyeball."

I'm thinking perhaps she can get a job in talk radio.  I listened to that dick Hannity today and Reilly Kate actually made more sense.  Maybe Hannity ate his ears.  Ya think?