Driving me Batty

I hate bad drivers. Before I had kids, bad drivers only irritated me, eliciting a string of profanity the likes of which would make a rapper blush. Now that I travel with my most precious cargo every single day, I hate them. And I mean "hate" with all that goes with the word. Not as in "I hate swiss cheese" or "I hate my hair." I mean "hate" as in I wish a pox upon their house.

Do you realize that every car passing you on the road, or traveling along side you, or behind you, even if for just a split second, has your life in their hands? I cannot help but think of that. I cannot even see their face, but I appreciate them driving responsibly so that my children can see another day.

When I was a teen, I used to make fun of those stupid "Baby on Board" signs that were so popular with parents in the 80s. What the hell is that supposed to mean? I wondered. Should I actually be more careful around that car than I normally would?

Ummmm... HELL FUCKING YEAH! There's a BABY in the car!!!

Kids just don't get it. I wasn't paying any attention when I was driving. I was too busy checking the mirror to see if my AquaNet was withstanding the wind from my open window. Or wondering which of my Swatches had the correct time while cranking up my Beastie Boys tape. Or spritzing myself with Giorgio perfume despite the lit cigarette hanging from my mouth.

I'm sick of the drag racing. I'm sick of seeing cars with kids in control, driving out of control, at 90 or 100 miles an hour. Fuck the Fast and the Furious. I'm FAT and I'm FURIOUS and I'd like to kick some puny little teenage ass every time I'm forced to plead to GOD to spare my family from a fiery death.

The fact is the legal minimum driving age should be raised to 18, with an automatic suspension till 21 for anyone getting a moving violation. Even for just 5 miles over the speed limit. End of story.

And while we're on the topic of age, let's talk about the living dead out there behind the wheel. With all due respect for the elderly, they should not be driving. How many times have you been stuck behind a Cadillac the size of a Hummer doing 25 in a 55? Or been cut off by a tiny ancient barely peeking over the steering wheel? If they cannot read the menu at Denny's because they forgot their reading glasses at home, they shouldn't be driving to the Denny's in the first place.

Look, they raised their children in a much safer, more secure world than I'm raising mine. Their grandparents weren't out careening through the neighborhood while their kids were riding bikes. They should relinquish their license with dignity rather than have it forcibly taken from them after they mixed up the brake and the gas pedals.

Make the maximum age limit for driving 75 and give them all free bus passes. Especially before those baby boomers all hit the road in their 80s. I dread the thought of my parents cruising in a convertible with the Beach Boys blaring, unable to see the signs or the road or even the speedometer.

The worst offenders, however, are those that drive drunk. Many of us have done it. I did it once and will never, ever do it again. I only drove less than a mile away but it was the scariest thing I've ever done. No control whatsoever. No matter how hard I tried to stay within my lane, I swerved. And I wasn't even that drunk.

A couple of months ago, we took Reilly Kate and Roman to the zoo down in Waikiki. As we were walking back to our car, a drunken man walked by. He was so inebriated that he could not walk. He fell down, stumbled on the grass, and criss crossed his feet as he went. Mike and I said it was a good thing he was walking and not driving, but then we saw him reach into his pocket and retrieve his keys. I was in such a state of rage I had to stop myself from stomping my hooves and charging him with the full force of my weight. The only thing that really did stop me was Mike. He kept insisting that there was no way a man that drunk would actually pull out and drive. But then he did. Drunk man started his car, pulled it out of its parking space, and drove off.

I called the cops with his license plate number and the direction he was heading. They didn't find him. Of course, they didn't. I doubt they even put much effort into finding him. You know if I hadn't put the full buck-25 into the meter, I'd be sitting on a ticket. But the drunk, he drives home to sleep it off, free and clear.

People who drink and drive should be punished. And the punishment should fit the crime. It should be so stiff that no one would ever consider it. The police officers should be more concerned about drunk drivers than prostitutes and johns. Whores and the middle aged, fat, bald men that enjoy them are amusing. Drunks and cars are lethal.

Everyone wants to get rich quick, right? But very few people rob banks. Wanna know why? Because you go to jail for a very long time if you rob a bank. There isn't this, "Oh, it's a first offense" crap. You go to PRISON for even just TRYING to take a bank's money. So why the excuses for drunk drivers? Why are they allowed to go and do it again and again? Why is robbing a bank a bigger crime than driving drunk, I ask you?

This is what I propose: First offense, you lose your license for 5 full years automatically. Second offense, you go to jail for 5 full years, no parole. And the third time you get caught drunk behind the wheel of a car you go to jail for the rest of your natural life.

So that's my rant. Driving. The young. The old. The drunk. I've been young and drunk. I plan on being old and drunk. And I plan on robbing a bank to pay for my chauffeur driven Lincoln Continental.