A little something for someone who will know it is for her when she reads it

Miss Manners

Returning engagement ring sends right message

In one state after another, judges are being asked to rule on whether ladies whose engagements are broken are legally required to give back the engagement rings to those cads they once agreed to marry.

There are several things about this development that Miss Manners doesn't understand:

1. Why are the courts involved in this question at all, when there has always been an etiquette rule on the books requiring that the ring must be returned when the engagement is -- for whatever reason -- defunct?

2. Why would a lady want to keep a token symbolizing love that has proved false?

3. Especially if she has been jilted, why would a lady forgo one of the grand gestures of all times -- flinging the ring back into the face of the despised lover?

4. How can Miss Manners be so naive?

To answer the last question first, Miss Manners chooses to be naive. That is because naive is the least unflattering characterization now used for people like her -- people who believe that personal conduct might be guided by something other than financial advantage.

Everyone else thinks it stupid for a lady who has gotten hold of a diamond to allow it out of her grasp unless the strong arm of the law comes and pries it away from her.

But Miss Manners is not so naive as to believe that disappointed brides have no care for their own dignity. Rather, she is afraid that they believe that their hope of salvaging dignity from this humiliating situation is to inflict whatever financial damage they can (which is the answer to the third question). And since breach-of-promise laws have gone out of fashion, they take what is at hand, so to speak (and that is the answer to the second).

Sometimes this is justified as recouping what has been spent on wedding preparations, and is invoked even when the engagement has been broken by the ring-wearer. More often, it is seen as compensation for emotional distress. Whether the charge is disillusionment or desertion, there is a punitive element.

"I deserve it," is the phrase the ladies in question often use.

Probably not, as it turns out. The courts are ruling otherwise. The comparison being made -- still in financial terms -- is to the down payment on a house; when the deal is called off, the payment is returned.

This reasoning brings Miss Manners to that troubling first question: Do we really want the law to enforce engagements? Of course, everyone expects the law to make up for all of life's disappointments. Nevertheless, a broken engagement, however painful, is one less broken marriage. Miss Manners does not defend heart-breakers; she only wants to protect the innocent from marrying them.

And she does want to protect the dignity of the wounded.

That is why she doesn't want them to furnish proof that they are so grasping that the symbolism of an engagement ring has entirely escaped them, and they see nothing but its monetary value.

What kind of punishment is it to show a cad that he was justified?

Quote of the Day

"But... ummm... I can't give you spoons."

--Darrin, our waiter at Logan's Roadhouse, when we asked for the kids' desserts to go. He's obviously a scholar just waiting for his time to shine.

The #1 Thing I learned in San Francisco

How could I forget to list the most important thing I learned in San Francisco? It was when I learned this particular nugget that made me think how very educational the whole trip had been and how I needed to compile a list of these nuggets to share with you all.

You see, I'm on a quest to know everything before I die. I mean EVERYTHING. And I'm almost there. But had I not been on this trip at this time with these kids, had the stars not aligned just right, I might have lost out on this little gem of info and died without having reached my goal.

So, without any further ado, I give the #1 thing I learned in San Francisco:

Half digested Rice Krispy treats are just as sticky post regurgitation as they are prior to eating.

Refer to #43 of my last blog entry to read about how I know this. And consider yourself lucky that all you had to do was read about it.

43 Things I learned while in San Francisco

1. Just because you start a trip with a kid running a fever of 104 and just because said kid pukes upon his arrival at the airport does not guarantee the whole trip is going to suck.

But it is a pretty good indication.

2. TSA won't look twice at the plentiful bottles of liquid children's medicine, but don't you dare try to sneak an extra ounce of fruit juice by them. This is the War on Terror, people. Juice in the wrong hands...

3. Eating seaside is fun, particularly during a Happy Hour featuring $5 pineapple mojitos.

4. San Francisco is too fucking cold to eat outdoors.

5. When booking two adjoining rooms, make sure the second room comes with beds... and a t.v.... and that it's been cleaned in the last three decades.

6. Contrary to the name, nothing at Holiday Inn Express is festive or fast. The "Inn" part is somewhat accurate as the rooms do have walls and a roof. What more, really, can one ask for? I mean, besides a bed.

7. Outdoor pools in San Francisco are solely for the enjoyment of ducks and photographers because it is too fucking cold to actually use the damn things.



8. Taking your kids with you on a wine tasting tour is a great way to go out drinking without the expense of a babysitter.

9. Everything tastes better when eaten with good wine. Even $5 water crackers and $7 cheese.

10. The best thing to do when your son pours a whole blueberry smoothie in your Luis Vuitton purse is to walk away... with your wine bottle... and drink straight from it... and don't look into your purse until the bottle is empty.



11. Giving your kids the camera to play with is a great way to keep them occupied, get interesting pictures of the winery, and keeps them out of your hair while you get sloppy drunk on delicious wines.

12. A case of wine can be packaged and brought home in lieu of a suitcase. And really, the wine is medicinal. Clothing is optional.

13. When you are fat and still look 6 months pregnant despite being 15 months post partum, do not be surprised when the pourer suggest you taste "some of our wonderful alcohol free wines."

14. Napa is much warmer than San Francisco despite its proximity. Dress accordingly.


15. Laundromats still exist and it is still a quarter for five minutes in the dryer. There are also still a lot of weirdos hanging out at them. They still smell of liquor and piss. And your clothes still seem a little cleaner after a wash in the laundromat than the nice, clean non-piss-smelling washer at home. Go figure.

16. Full frontal nudity phases neither of my children. Even a painting of a naked, lounging man hung over the toilet in a women's bathroom. Neither child did a double take. Neither child asked questions. What does that say about my parenting, I wonder.

17. When your son asks to take a picture of you, expect a boob shot.

18. Nonrehearsal undinners should be held at dive bars in San Francisco. They are groovy.

19. Sushi in San Francisco is just not as good as sushi in Hawaii despite the geography and the Asian influence. Of course, nothing anywhere is as good as anything in Hawaii. And you can quote me on that.

20. People intentionally wearing white and, knowingly, still insist on playing with your pizza covered toddler will get upset with you when they too are covered with pizza. Two words here, people: stain fucking stick. No, "fucking" doesn't count as a word.

21. I miss hanging out at dive bars, drinking beer and smoking for hours on end. I'm not saying I'd go and do it again. I'm just saying I miss it. Like I miss having boobs that aren't long and thighs that don't rub. Ah, to be young again.

22. San Francisco is even colder than it looks in the pictures. Dress accordingly.

23. If you want to live with your head in the clouds, move to San Francisco. The clouds hover within head range. Literally.

24. Despite the fact that they all look the same, not all the bridges in San Francisco are the Golden Gate Bridge. And, despite the name, none of them are Golden. I just love that. Really, what I'd love is if they'd name one of the bridges Old Rusty and paint it a sparkling gold. Wouldn't that be a hoot?

25. Old military barracks can become quaint little reception halls. With some work. And imagination. And co-ed bathrooms. Ah, but they'll still have that smell. You know. That smell. Of old military barracks.

26. Deer are everywhere... except where my poor novice hunter husband is. Yes, as he sat in Virginia playing with his bow and arrow trying to conjure up the image of a deer in his mind, we were dodging them left and right in good old Cali. Go west, bald man. Go west.

27. My Garmin has a first name. It's D-I-L-B-E-R-T. My Garmin has second name. It's D-U-M-A-S-S. Ummm, that's pronounced doo-'mahs, ya dumb ass. And he is my love, my light. I'll be leaving Mike to marry him whenever they legalize marriage between people and electronic equipment. Until then, however, we'll be on the down low.


28. Bees can make some pretty crazy looking hives. Oh, and people who are allergic to their stings should either bring along an epi pen or shut the fuck up (yes, Mom, I'm talking to you!).

29. It takes three adults and three children exactly 2 hours and 7 minutes to get dressed for a wedding. That includes showering, shaving, and shitting multiple times (at least for one adult over the age of 60 who is allergic to bee stings that shall remain nameless to protect her identity).

30. My kids are the cutest freakin' kids on the whole dang planet. And they should be. They sucked it right outta me. Literally. Through the tits. No kidding. My brains and my looks. In the breastmilk. Why do you think they call it liquid gold?

31. One should always check the battery in your camera so as to avoid wasting 200 shots on the guests arriving to the wedding only to have it die before the ceremony begins.

32. You can always squeeze off one or two shots with your camera after the battery has died. Just make sure they are money shots, baby.

33. Love is sleeveless on a damn cold day on the beach in San Francisco. Hell, every fucking day on the beach in San Francisco is a damn cold day. But only love can make you do it sleeveless.

34. Just because you've been married for only 14 years but have had the same last name for 37 years doesn't mean anyone will remember what your name actually is.

35. When your camera will no longer turn on, that is when your kids will start posing for the cutest pictures. Fortunately, there's a professional photographer snapping up dozens of them. For the low, low price $59.95 per 4x6. Bastards!

36. Despite the exquisite food, the tasty mojitos, and the vast amounts of amazing wine, if there ain't no hokey pokey, then really, there is no point in having a wedding reception. 'Cause when you do the hokey pokey and you turn yourself around, THAT'S what it's all about.

37. All pictures of me taken by Reilly Kate make me look far fatter than I really am, and I don't need any help in that regard. This is because despite stealing both my beauty and my brains, my evil offspring try to set me up for further failure. With this photo RK hopes to put the kibosh on my super model aspirations. Bitch.

38. Alcatraz was a men only prison. This is because only men would be stupid enough to think of being on a beautiful island surrounded by gorgeous views of San Francisco, being fed three gourmet meals a day, several of hours of exercise coupled with the occasional solitary time, without any responsibilities other than brushing your teeth as punishment. We women know luxury when we see it and if they had opened Alcatraz to women, there'd have been a sudden rise in crimes committed by women, mostly mothers. Obviously some bastards over there were thinking.

39. My friend Holly and her friend Barb are one in the same person. Same hair. Same smile. Same natural good looks. Same laugh. Same sing song voice. Same body. Same stance. Same funny personality. Same kids. I don't know how they did it. But they melded into one. And it's a little creepy. [fade in Twilight Zone theme song]

40. To San Francisco, June might as well be January. Have I mentioned it's cold?


41. Kids still can go up to the cockpit and explore the equipment. They just cannot do it in flight. Especially Roman since he looks so much like Osama bin Laden.

42. I have an until recently repressed pilot-stewardess fantasy. See picture for reason it is no longer repressed. Oy. And I should really post his ass. Yes, I took a picture of his ass.

43. Just because you end a trip with a kid puking upon her arrival at the airport does not guarantee the whole trip home is going to suck.

But sitting in puke, soaked down to your underwear, for 5 hours is a pretty good indication that the rest of your week is going to suck. Excuse me now while I go get a bucket.

Quote of the Day

Now I can become the first woman president!

--Reilly Kate upon hearing that Obama clinched the nomination.