25 Signs You're a Grown Up or 25 Signs I need to Grow Up
I got this list in an email and found myself shaking my head to almost the whole list. I think it's worse that I it seems at 36 I'm desperately trying to cling to my youth...
Here's my edited version:
1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
All my houseplants ARE dead and I've thought about smoking them. The lone cigarette that's been sitting in my coat pocket for a year screams my name daily and when it gets really bad I think, "Can one smoke african violets legally in this state ?"
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
Having sex in a king sized bed is out of the question with three kids and a dog in between the two of us. Sex in the family room is completely possible provided I can stay awake long enough.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
I do keep more food in my fridge than I do beer. That's why I gots me a BEER fridge. And that puppy is full of beer. And, of course, 2% milk for the kids.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
Sometimes, for me, it is both.
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
This hasn't happened to me yet. I think of myself as pretty hip in the music department. I have to tell ya, my ring tone is "Don't cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me" by the Pussycat Dolls which I thought was highly amusing when I was heavy with an 11lb baby and a 52" waist.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
I don't think we have the Weather Channel. I don't need it. I send RK out every morning to see what it's like. If I need more, I do as our internet savvy prez does, I hop on the Google.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
This one I'll grant you. But I've got to add that they still hook up which is probably contributing to the divorce rate. Oh, and then they remarry. And still hook up.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
Where the hell do I go to get this 14 days of vacation time? Is there an HR department around here? I'm going to go look in the basement. I bet that's where Mike's got it hidden.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
If they are free of baby poop and puke and spit and... well, basically if they are devoid of all bodily fluids and... ummm... solids, then they qualify alright. It's just that it's pretty fucking hard to be free of all those things for more than 10 minutes.
10. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
If they're waking up my kids during Mommy's free time, then you are GOD DAMNED RIGHT I AM! If, however, it is during the day, then I'm thrilled. The louder the better so I can't actually hear my kids fighting and trying to kill one another.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
I'll do you one better. My grandfather, the first time he held Irina, said, "Whoa. She's heavy." Then holding up is hands in a circle the size of a basketball said, "That hole must have been this big!"
I leaned in to him and said, "Yep. It sure was when she came out. But thanks to Kegels, you could hardly get a pencil in there now." His jaw dropped that I would say such a thing. But I didn't stop there. Oh, no. Not I. "That's right. I've got more tricks than a Thai whore."
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
Hello? I was just pregnant. Midnight hunger. New baby. Up late. Don't want to cook a thing. Hell yeah I know what time Taco Bell closes and it is NEVER!
13. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.
Not sure about this. I'll have to go find the accounting office. Probably near the HR department.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.
Oh, no. Mama's babies have NEVER eaten McCrap. No, no. I'll feed that shit to the human babes, but like hell with holy water will I ever allow that waste to enter the mouths of my dear dogs. Of course, Truman eats his own shit. But he's more Reilly Kate's dog.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
If I didn't sleep on the couch while nursing I would be lacking those three precious hours I get each night.
16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.
Never been a napper. Sleeps for the dead, I always say. I saw on a barista's apron a slogan that I've adopted, "Life's short. Stay awake."
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
Oh, are you talking about the mac & cheese, chicken nuggets, and broccoli we just had followed by a half hour of Dora? Is that it?
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
Food doesn't upset my stomach. Not having food upsets my stomach. See above post regarding Taco Bell.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
Umm... no, I do go for condoms and pregnancy tests. And the occasional hemorrhoid cream. Hey, I had an 11lb baby!!!
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
If I'm drinking it straight out of the bottle, I'm sure it's "pretty good stuff."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
I eat whatever, whenever. I think people who need breakfast food are rigid and inflexible and probably vote Republican. Besides, what besides coffee does one really need in the morning anyway?
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."
At this point in my life, I usually say both. That's really pathetic, eh?
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
Well, yeah. 90% of the time I'm in front of the computer I'm lactating which falls within my job description.
24. You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
I no longer get to go to a bar. Hence I've installed a bar in my home. Now I drink at the bar and need only stumble mere feet to sleep on the couch. It's a beautiful thing. And once I've rolled those african violets into stogies, it'll be even better.
Here's my edited version:
1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
All my houseplants ARE dead and I've thought about smoking them. The lone cigarette that's been sitting in my coat pocket for a year screams my name daily and when it gets really bad I think, "Can one smoke african violets legally in this state ?"
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
Having sex in a king sized bed is out of the question with three kids and a dog in between the two of us. Sex in the family room is completely possible provided I can stay awake long enough.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
I do keep more food in my fridge than I do beer. That's why I gots me a BEER fridge. And that puppy is full of beer. And, of course, 2% milk for the kids.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
Sometimes, for me, it is both.
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
This hasn't happened to me yet. I think of myself as pretty hip in the music department. I have to tell ya, my ring tone is "Don't cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me" by the Pussycat Dolls which I thought was highly amusing when I was heavy with an 11lb baby and a 52" waist.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
I don't think we have the Weather Channel. I don't need it. I send RK out every morning to see what it's like. If I need more, I do as our internet savvy prez does, I hop on the Google.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
This one I'll grant you. But I've got to add that they still hook up which is probably contributing to the divorce rate. Oh, and then they remarry. And still hook up.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
Where the hell do I go to get this 14 days of vacation time? Is there an HR department around here? I'm going to go look in the basement. I bet that's where Mike's got it hidden.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
If they are free of baby poop and puke and spit and... well, basically if they are devoid of all bodily fluids and... ummm... solids, then they qualify alright. It's just that it's pretty fucking hard to be free of all those things for more than 10 minutes.
10. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
If they're waking up my kids during Mommy's free time, then you are GOD DAMNED RIGHT I AM! If, however, it is during the day, then I'm thrilled. The louder the better so I can't actually hear my kids fighting and trying to kill one another.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
I'll do you one better. My grandfather, the first time he held Irina, said, "Whoa. She's heavy." Then holding up is hands in a circle the size of a basketball said, "That hole must have been this big!"
I leaned in to him and said, "Yep. It sure was when she came out. But thanks to Kegels, you could hardly get a pencil in there now." His jaw dropped that I would say such a thing. But I didn't stop there. Oh, no. Not I. "That's right. I've got more tricks than a Thai whore."
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
Hello? I was just pregnant. Midnight hunger. New baby. Up late. Don't want to cook a thing. Hell yeah I know what time Taco Bell closes and it is NEVER!
13. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.
Not sure about this. I'll have to go find the accounting office. Probably near the HR department.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.
Oh, no. Mama's babies have NEVER eaten McCrap. No, no. I'll feed that shit to the human babes, but like hell with holy water will I ever allow that waste to enter the mouths of my dear dogs. Of course, Truman eats his own shit. But he's more Reilly Kate's dog.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
If I didn't sleep on the couch while nursing I would be lacking those three precious hours I get each night.
16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.
Never been a napper. Sleeps for the dead, I always say. I saw on a barista's apron a slogan that I've adopted, "Life's short. Stay awake."
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
Oh, are you talking about the mac & cheese, chicken nuggets, and broccoli we just had followed by a half hour of Dora? Is that it?
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
Food doesn't upset my stomach. Not having food upsets my stomach. See above post regarding Taco Bell.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
Umm... no, I do go for condoms and pregnancy tests. And the occasional hemorrhoid cream. Hey, I had an 11lb baby!!!
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
If I'm drinking it straight out of the bottle, I'm sure it's "pretty good stuff."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
I eat whatever, whenever. I think people who need breakfast food are rigid and inflexible and probably vote Republican. Besides, what besides coffee does one really need in the morning anyway?
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."
At this point in my life, I usually say both. That's really pathetic, eh?
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
Well, yeah. 90% of the time I'm in front of the computer I'm lactating which falls within my job description.
24. You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
I no longer get to go to a bar. Hence I've installed a bar in my home. Now I drink at the bar and need only stumble mere feet to sleep on the couch. It's a beautiful thing. And once I've rolled those african violets into stogies, it'll be even better.
25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that this doesn't apply to you.
I read this whole list and thought how pathetic it is that I'm 36 and don't agree with most of it. I need to grow up. I must still think I'm 25. Fortunately, I have mirrors to keep me grounded. Damn those things.
posted by The Histrionics of a Fat Housewife at 9:29 PM
3 Comments:
Need a Nanny? I'm available these days...tho can't say what a good influence I'd be....But I come cheaper than most...room and board? LOL If you're lost, check out the blog.
Your list had me rolling! Laughing like crazy!
That's hilarious. And true. For almost everybody I know but me. My friends ARE marrying and divorcing and I've heard a few of my favourite songs on elevators but most of the others don't apply to me. I'm 40 going on 25. And happy about that. I crashed on a couch last night and my back is fine. But I'll never drink that much again.
This is a hilarious entry. However, I do feel you need to add a "Pelvic Floor Alert" !! LOL!
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