Assholes of America

Have you ever spent three hours in Costco only to go home with only half of what was on your list?

Yeah, me neither.

Okay, okay. I'm a liar liar pants on fire. I have. Yesterday. Three fucking hours. Costco. And my kids are still without their beloved Dino Nuggets. Petrified crap, breaded and deep fried.

Not only was I in Costco for three hours, but I had a run in with one of those Assholes assholing America. Here she is.



Before I explain what happened, let me preface it with a warning to any of you Assholes out there that might stupidly think of posting an Asshole Defense here in the comments section: Don't.

That's it. That's the warning.

So there I was well into my second hour of shopping at Costco with three visits to the bathroom, one water break, a diaper change, two visits to the snack stand, and a nursing mega session under my belt. By the way, if you are ever caught at Costco with a hungry nursling, go check out their patio furniture. Fabulous place to stop and lactate. Cushy chairs. Room for the older kids. Fantastic. Not worth the $1200 price tag to sit it on my twenty year old dilapidated deck, but still fine for a feed.

Anyway, so there I was stressed out, the baby was crying, and we were still shopping when we came across the Vita-Mix stand. As usual Costco was filled with those sample stands and the kids and I sampled our way around the store. Reilly Kate went up to the stand and said, "Mama, can we have one of these?" Both kids always ask me before just grabbing a sample in case it is something I would rather they not have.

I looked at the stand and saw it was empty. Nary a sampler to be seen.

"There's nothing there," I told her.

"Please Mama?"

"Reilly Kate, there is NOTHING there. There isn't even a person standing there, honey," I explained.

"Please?" she continued begging.

As you can see, Reilly Kate has a very hard time accepting the word No.

"You know what? Fine. You go right ahead. Take whatever you can find," I snapped, knowing full well there wasn't anything on the tray for her to have.

It was at this point that Roman went up to the front of the empty sample stand and put his hand up on that stand. There were many different things on display there: pineapples, pamphlets, juice, paper cups, a mixer. I was standing exactly where in the same spot I was when I took that picture (sans the Asshole standing there, of course). All I saw was Roman putting his hand up where there would have been samples.

Out of nowhere comes flying that woman, the Asshole, phone in her ear, forked tongue a-wagging.

"NO! Get your hands off of there!!"

Then turning to me, "There are KNIVES up there!! He has NO business--"

Then back to Roman, "You have NO business putting your hands up there. GET AWAY FROM HERE!"

Then back to me, "Why is he over here? He has no business over here! He could have gotten cut!!"

Roman came running back to me, shocked, embarrassed, shamed, and scared. I soothed him through my own shock.

"He was just looking for samples," I muttered.

"He has NO business up here. You should be watching him," she snarled as she slammed the lid down on a box that I now know contained knives. She then went back to her phone call.

"This woman isn't watching her kids. The kid just came up and... Yeah... I hate that. ...just watch your kids..."

"Maybe you shouldn't have left the knives out," I muttered, tears filling my eyes, as I gathered us up and walked away.

Half way down the next aisle I became enraged. There she is chatting away on the damn fucking phone, leaving sharp ass knives in reach of any of the many children running around Costco, knowing full well that kids are going around tasting the samples, looking for more samples. That stand, the very, exact stand is the place they put the freshly baked brownies the last time we went there. It is a high traffic spot. Lots of kids running around. But she couldn't be bothered even put the lid on the box of knives before she wandered the store to chat her afternoon away.

And then! And then! She has the fucking GALL to point a crooked finger at me? Oh, no. No, no. Not just then. Not with the day I was having. Not while my baby was crying and I was making my way down the frozen fish aisle. No, no.

So you know what I did? I got out my camera and announced to the kids that we were heading back to that stand. We were heading back and taking her picture. Because all Assholes deserve to have their day on the blog. And the Vita-Mix Asshole was not going to be cheated her time to shine. So here she is people.



It's not my best work, but it's about all she's worth anyway.