And the hits keep coming

Roman is a biter. At present, he only bites Reilly Kate, but the bites are bad. They leave huge, ugly contusions, sometimes even breaking the skin. He'd make a great hunter, tearing through the flesh of his prey. Too bad for him, we eat carrion bought at the local grocer (yeah, what the hell you think aged beef is, people?). So what other than using his incisers as weapons against his terrorizing sister can he do with such a talent?

I've tried all those gentle "discipline" methods to make it stop. The results have been laughable. He's recently started classes where I drop him off and leave and I worry about this biting. Every time I drop him off, I sit and wait for the phone call to come pick up my barbarian child. I expect there to be a phone call from the parent of a disfigured child, or worse - their lawyer. I really don't want to lose our brand new house over Roman's vicious self defense methods.

After I complained to my mom about it, she told me that she had the same problem with my youngest brother Danny. Finally, my exasperated mom came on to a solution. Whenever Danny bit, he had to bite down on a bar of soap. He didn't have to do it too many times before he quit with the biting.

Now, I'm not sure how I feel about it, but it wouldn't hurt him, it isn't violent, and it might just work. It seemed worth a try. Better a bit of soap in the mouth than get labeled at school or kicked out all together. Plus, I felt a pressing need to protect Reilly Kate from his oral retribuation. If I wasn't her mother, I'm sure I would think she deserves it, the way she taunts him. But I am her mother and I'm bound to protect her... at least till she's 18.

So today, after Reilly Kate had badgered the kid, taken his toys, refused to listen to him, and mocked his speech, he bit her, badly. She came running in as I was nursing the baby. I took one look at her hand with it's already violet hued bite marks, unlatched Irina, and took off for Roman. I dragged him into the bathroom, grabbed a bar of nice, hand made, organic Hawaiian soap and put it in his mouth. I made him bite down on it, the soap lodging in his teeth.

When I took it out, he was crying and spitting and foaming at the mouth. I told him that every time he bites, he'll have to bite down on soap. That we don't bite people. We don't bite anything but food. Then I wiped down his mouth and brushed his teeth. Reilly Kate came in with a glass of water and a snack for him and I went back to nurse a shrilly screaming Irina.

A few minutes later, Roman came in crying and again foaming at the mouth. Some soap I'd missed with the toothbrush had started dissolving. There was no way I was going to put the baby down again so I asked Reilly Kate if she would help Roman brush his teeth.

Afterward, they came back in and Roman proudly told me, "Tutu help me brush my teeth."

I said, "So what do you say to Tutu?"

"Me sorry, Tutu. Me never do that again. Me promise," he said as he hugged Reilly Kate.

Reilly Kate leaned in, wrapped her arms around him, and looked back at me as she said, "And I promise to never let Mama hurt you again."

Can you fucking believe it? He bites her and I'm the monster. I swear to you, if I wind up a missing person, check the trunk and find out if my darling daughter has an alibi.

Better yet, I'm running away. I'm off to go start up that tittie bar in the Philippines I'm always blathering on about. And with the milk jugs I'm sporting, the house specialty will be white russians. Heather on tap.