Doing the Moron Morph

I've ruled out living in Canada. It's just too cold for my thin blood and, to be honest, there is something more than a little unnerving about their obsession with the maple tree. Tree stalkers or something. Oooo scary.

I guess that means I'll be staying here and attempting to fit into this new Moronic Majority (although, I'd hardly call them a "majority"). In order to accomplish this, I need to clarify a few things. It's all so confusing to a simple minded, bleeding heart like myself.

1. Janet Jackson's flash of breast during the Superbowl Half Time Show was disgusting and deserving of FCC fines and the public's moral outrage. But violent Saturday morning cartoons such as X-Men are okay. Human body - bad. Violence against humanity - good. Okay. Got it. This is going to be a toughy for me to remember since I'm a breastfeeder and tend to flash a lot of boob at home, at the store, even -GASP- at church. I'm going to make an effort to feed my kids less and beat them more. How's that?

2. Two people of the same sex in a loving, committed relationship recognized by their religion to be married is threatening to my marriage. But Liz Taylor, Kenny Rogers, Rush Limbaugh, and Brittany Spears are a-okay to marry and divorce any number of times so long as it is a member of the opposite sex they are escorting down the aisle. Yeah, see this one really throws me. I would have thought The Defense of Marriage Act would contain something about premarital counseling, waiting periods, criminalizing Vegas drive thru weddings, maybe even a divorce tax. Nope. I read it. It's all about gays. Why not just say, "We hate gays and don't think being gay should be legal?" Why not just be open about it? I don't understand this whole hiding it behind marriage. But whatever. What the hell do I know anyway? I'm just a bed wetting liberal.

3. Sexual perversion and drug abuse is deviant and criminal behavior, but acceptable if done by conservative motor mouths like O'Reilly and Limbaugh. Simple enough. Can I then become a motor mouth simply for the recreational behavior? I think, if I can get moronic enough, I could really do a good job on Schlocks... errr... Fox News.

4. Playing God is bad is cases of stem cell research, birth control, and Terri Schiavo. Playing God is good in cases of the death penalty, the McCaughey septuplets (and other extreme infertility measures), and the judging of others. Hmmmm... Okay.

5. War is Christian and patriotic, even when unjustified. Dissention is atheist, communist, and treasonous. The only appropriate time to talk about peace is for 30 seconds in the middle of church on Sundays when giving your fellow parishioners the sign of peace. "God's peace," we say, but we really don't mean it. If we meant it, we'd be ungodly pinkos. Alrighty. Onward Christian Soldiers.

We'll start with those five. Clarification is always welcome. Remember, brainwashing isn't an easy or quick process. I'm sure I'll have moments of backsliding into my intellectual, knowledge-seeking, peace-loving, nonjudgemental, compassionate ways. Please be patient. I'm sure with time, I too can be a moron.