Korea Prep 101

I'm almost done with St. Patrick's Day Sucked Part 2, but tomorrow my parents leave for two weeks here in Korea. I thought I'd gather a list of helpful info for them. Just things that may help ease the culture shock.

~ When you get off the plane, you may notice an unusual smell. Korea, just like any place, really, has it's own unique stink. Your olfactory system will get slammed with the pungent aroma of kimchi while subtle notes of soju and ancient sewer pipes tickle your nostrils. Don't worry. A couple of hours after you land, your sense of smell will have burned out only to reawaken for sledgehammer smells like chutgol (fermented fish guts), denjang chigae (bean paste stew), public toilets, and Roman's poopy diapers. You may also notice that we smell pretty raunchy, too. When I lived here before, I never noticed it. Probably because I lived here. But when Mike started traveling back and forth from Hawaii, I noticed it immediately. He would get off the plane and just stink up our whole house. Kissing him was like kissing Seoul. You'll probably stink for a couple of days after you're back home, too. Carry breath mints and some bath spray.

~ Seoul traffic is horrible and the driving is treacherous. It's a huge city with a lot of cars and many winding roads older than our twice our country. That alone would cause congestion and accidents. Add to it that laws in Korea are written in sand -- meaning red lights are merely a suggestion to stop and many decide not to, motorcycles can and do drive wherever they want, following only the laws of the driver's own direction, turn signals are meaningless, double and even triple parking is common, and drinking and driving is a common and accepted practice. Buckle up and clench hard. I'm driving through Seoul!

~ Not all Korean food is hot and spicy. There are plenty of things that are not hot in the least. Wonderful soups and grilled meats. Koreans really pride themselves in their food traditions and with good reason. I think Korean food is among the world's finest cuisines. Remember, though, that some foods taste good while smelling really quite awful. Denjang chigae is a prime example. While cooking, it smells like shit. Literally. Shit boiling on the stove. But it is so damn good. Served up boiling in a hot pot, loaded with veggies and tofu. Oh, yum. Another example is ojingo cooked on hot rocks. The street stands are all over the place and the smell of it cooking smells a lot like burning flesh. Ya know, that smell when you get a wart or a mole burned off. Like that. But they are my most favorite street food. Delish. Anyway, there are quite a few of those smell bad, taste great foods here in Korea.

~ You will get stares. It's not as bad as it was when I came the first time. It seems there has been a foreigner explosion in Seoul in the last five years. But still, you'll get stared at, openly. Koreans are very into faces. They read faces like some Westerners would read palms. So for someone to just blatantly stare at you while you are riding on the subway or waiting for a light at the crosswalk is perfectly acceptable in their culture. Also, Reilly Kate and Roman generate a lot of attention. A lot. As in semi celebrity status. That can be a little scary. Once at the mall we stopped to let the kids talk to a man dressed as a stingray to promote the aquarium and when we turned around there was a circle of probably about 30 people gathered around taking pictures of us. Freaky. Another time it took over 20 minutes to get out of a public bathroom because of the number of moms wanting to have their kids' pictures taken with Reilly Kate. Be forewarned and get used to it.

~ Don't blow your nose in public. It's considered rude and disgusting. Instead, snork it down your throat, hork it up, and spit it out. Perfectly acceptable here. Also, you can employ what is known as the country blow, where you just blow the snot out of your nose and onto the ground and/or passersby. On the upside, you can pick your teeth with a toothpick while sitting at the table in a restaurant. Just make sure to cover your mouth with your hand.

~ There's tons of culture and history here in Seoul. Korean history is hardly if ever touched upon in American schools so there's a steep learning curve while touring around. Koreans are very much into their history and culture. The government has even numbered all their historical treasures. Most exhibits have an English translation and even unfriendly Seoullites soften when asked about Korea. There's lots to see and do here. Lots. Sleep when you get back.

~ Americans are hated by just about everyone, everywhere. We're loud, fat, obnoxious cheapskates with too much cash and ego and not enough education and understanding. We dress sloppy, are hyper critical of differences, arrogant, and we've twice elected a retard to run our country and invade other countries without good cause or explanation (oh, and if you haven't seen this press conference, you really must -- he's such a gentleman and a scholar!) Trust me when I say, you'll soon realize how poorly the world thinks of the U.S. and will no longer hold your head up high when telling others you are American. I just hold my head up high and tell them I'm Canadian. If you don't already have maple leaves sewn on your backpack, let me know, I'll let you borrow mine.

Oh, there's so much more I'd like to tell you. But it is late and I have to retire. I've got a wicked long day tomorrow. Wicked long. I don't have the luxury of lazing around in First Class for 17 hours. Some of us have to work around here.