Tripping Up
I'm going to do some emotional purging here. I can. It is my blog and not only is it wildly entertaining, but saves me thousands that I would normally have to pay shrinks. Prepare yourself as I am about to relieve myself of some of the bile rumbling around in my soul.
For those of you who don't live far from "home" this post is going to hopefully enlighten you to the plight of those of us who do. For those of you who, like us, live far (particularly very far) from "home," you have my permission to cut and paste this into your Christmas cards this year. You needn't even give me credit for this one. If it can save you from the pain we've been going through these past four years, the plagiarism will be worth it.
Since Mike and I have been together, we've lived in Carbondale, Illinois; Alexandria, Virginia; Tampa, Florida; Seaside, California; Washington, DC; San Angelo, Texas; Seoul, Korea; Ft. Benning, Georgia; Ft. Huachuca, Arizona; Ewa Beach, Hawaii; and now, back in Seoul. Other than the 6 month stint I did back in Palatine in '98, neither of us have lived in Chicagoland (home) since leaving at 18. While I know our family and friends missed us, prior to having children there was never any issues with our visits home. Never was there consternation over how much time was spent where and with whom. We traveled around a lot, visiting various people and places, whenever we went home. We met up with siblings for dinner and drinks, spent drunken nights crashed on friends' couches, spent afternoons bouncing nephews on our knees while letting our nieces beat us at Candyland, and ate enormous piles of especially made for us overcooked, bland, and hard to swallow home cookin'. We went home as much as we could and enjoyed it.
Then we had children and what should have enhanced our trips home apparently only turned some people back there into selfish louts. Yep. You read that right. There is more jockying for time and position on our calendar than horses on the track at Arlington. It has brought out the ugly. And if you are reading this and think that I'm talking about you, you're probably right. I'm sure you know who you are. I doubt you honestly feel good about it, either.
Allow me to clear the air, then, if I might. Let me lay down the facts. In the last 4 years, we've come home a total of 8 times, the shortest flight of which was 9 hours long. If those flights were all direct, which I can assure you that most were NOT, that would give us a total of 150+ hours of in flight time. Tacking on 2 hours before the flight and an hour for baggage claim, Department of Agriculture, Immigration, and/or Customs (which I think is a very conservative estimate), you're looking at over 175 hours. Now, let's talk travel to and from the airport at being a minimum of an hour each way and we're up to over 205 hours of travel time. And this is not including lay over times, delays, and cancelled flights. I think I'd be well within the realm of reason to say that we've spent over 250 hours traveling home in the last four years.
That's a lot to ask of small children. And the parents of small children.
I haven't even taken into account the expense in terms of money spent on airfare, car rentals, clothing (yes, when people from the tropics go home for a Chicago Christmas, they must BUY winter clothes, coats, hats, etc), travel incidentals (like dining out, hotels, day trips here and there), and dog kennels. Then we have the ever so very, very precious VACATION TIME! During those 4 years and 8 trips home, we've spent a grand total of 30 weeks, or 7 and a half months, in Chicagoland. That would be like you going on an almost month long Hawaiian vacation twice a year. With your kids. We've easily spent over $20,000 and ALL of our vacation time on going home to visit.
This means we don't get to go on Caribbean vacations like you. My kids haven't done the Disney World cruise and most likely never will. Hell, Mike and I haven't been on a vacation, just the two of us... well... we went once to Thailand for four days, and no, it was NOT our honeymoon (for our honeymoon we had my mom, dad, two brothers, my grandma, grandpa, and aunt). We've never been to Vegas or the Dells or Cancun. Our trip to Shanghai was our very first trip anywhere as a family. And again, it was just a long weekend. We didn't have any extra time off since we were saving it up for our trip home in June/July.
In essence, we sacrifice a lot to come home.
Now, why would anyone in their right mind do such a thing? Because I think it is important for my children to know the people that love them. Living so far from home, my kids are sometimes closer to the neighbors than their aunties and to their playmates than their cousins. I don't want my kids to wonder who their grandparents are. It is important to us to come home. We want to come home for christenings and weddings and birthdays. While we may not make it to everything, we certainly try.
In return all we ask is just a few things.
Don't ask us to drive to you. I've just put my kids through a long ass flight (Seoul to Chicago is 15 hours -- do that with a 4 year old and a 2 year old, I dare ya). Do not expect me to then strap them into their carseats for an hour, hour and a half, or two hour car ride to see your happy ass. Come to us. While I was happy to drive around all of Chicagoland before we had kids, I ain't doing it now. We're either at my parents' house in Palatine or Mike's parents' condo in Schaumburg. We're easy to find. Wanna see us? Drive on out.
Don't expect to see us only on weekends or weekday evenings. There aren't that many weekend days in a three week visit. We are usually booked up with birthday parties, barbecues, special events, and the like. Showing up after work isn't a good plan, either. My kids go to bed between 7 and 8 at night. Don't show up at 6pm expecting a nice visit. It ain't happening. We're getting jammies on, teeth brushed, books read, and prayers said. If you want a nice visit, take a day or two, or ::oh, my gosh, I couldn't!:: THREE days off of work and hang out with us. We take vacation time to spend in Chicago with you. You could do the same.
Don't expect one on one, exclusive, alone time visits. Particularly if you are trying to see us only on the weekends. We have a lot of people to squeeze in and in order to get them all in, we do a lot of group things. If every year on the third Tuesday after autumnal equinox you spend the day at the arboretum with your cousin's wife's sister in law's dog groomer's friend, then fine. But you could invite us to go along with. We wouldn't mind and it would be a chance for you to keep your plans and yet squeeze in a visit with us. Again, if you don't like that idea, take some time off of work, pull the kids out of school, and hang out with us.
If you haven't bothered to come out to visit us, you are lower on the priority list of people to see, regardless of how close in blood relation you are. I have friends that have come out multiple times. My cousin and aunt have come out twice. Friends of my parents have come out for a visit. In my book, those people who place such a premium on seeing my children that they spend their time and money to come to us for a visit are first in line. Those who, in lieu of a visit to us, spend their resources on sunning their leathered skin on the deck of a luxury liner as their children frolic in a cartoon character run on-board daycare, can step to the back with the other handbags. We'll see you when and if we can.
Don't get angry with us if plans go awry and we don't have a chance to catch up with one another. No, we don't expect you to drop everything and race to accommodate us. And we also don't get angry or even hurt if our times just don't jive and we completely miss one another. It happens. It sucks. But it happens. Pointing fingers, blaming us, spreading vicious lies, and causing great family schisms over it won't fix the problem. Ya know what might, though? Come out and spend two weeks with us! You're always welcome.
I had no intention of naming names. But I will. Here. In this one instance. My brother Chris and his wife Missy are a shining beacon of the way it can be done. They live over 5 hours away by car from my parents' home. For whatever reason, money, resources, time, desire, they have not come out to see us. Yet, every single time that we come home, they make that 5 hour trip, (that's 1 way, by the way) to see us without question or complaint. Never once have they missed a trip. Never once have they whined that we don't come down to see them. Because they live far away, too, when they do come up, there is usually a fairly large crowd gathered around to visit with them as well as with us. Never once have they complained that they don't get one on one time. Every single Christmas we've been home, they've cut their Christmas morning short to pack up their kids and make the long trek up to spend a late Christmas dinner with us. Every time. Never complaining. Always glad to spend even just a short weekend with us. We're so blessed to have them. And if either of you are reading this, thank you. You probably have no clue how much it means to know that while others are bickering, whining, guilt tripping, and throwing tantrums, we can count on a pleasant, hassle free visit with you guys.
In closing I'd like to say that we'll continue coming out as often as we always have. I'd like to say that we so enjoy our visits home and will keep spending our time and money doing so. Sadly, this is not the case. Over the course of the last four years, we have reached our fill of what I'd consider abuse of our willingness to give. Every trip home has been wrought with pain and arguments. We've done our last trip home for quite a long time to come. Our doors are always open. Come and visit us where we are. But we won't be coming home. Not again. Not for a very long time.
So who like's kimchi?
For those of you who don't live far from "home" this post is going to hopefully enlighten you to the plight of those of us who do. For those of you who, like us, live far (particularly very far) from "home," you have my permission to cut and paste this into your Christmas cards this year. You needn't even give me credit for this one. If it can save you from the pain we've been going through these past four years, the plagiarism will be worth it.
Since Mike and I have been together, we've lived in Carbondale, Illinois; Alexandria, Virginia; Tampa, Florida; Seaside, California; Washington, DC; San Angelo, Texas; Seoul, Korea; Ft. Benning, Georgia; Ft. Huachuca, Arizona; Ewa Beach, Hawaii; and now, back in Seoul. Other than the 6 month stint I did back in Palatine in '98, neither of us have lived in Chicagoland (home) since leaving at 18. While I know our family and friends missed us, prior to having children there was never any issues with our visits home. Never was there consternation over how much time was spent where and with whom. We traveled around a lot, visiting various people and places, whenever we went home. We met up with siblings for dinner and drinks, spent drunken nights crashed on friends' couches, spent afternoons bouncing nephews on our knees while letting our nieces beat us at Candyland, and ate enormous piles of especially made for us overcooked, bland, and hard to swallow home cookin'. We went home as much as we could and enjoyed it.
Then we had children and what should have enhanced our trips home apparently only turned some people back there into selfish louts. Yep. You read that right. There is more jockying for time and position on our calendar than horses on the track at Arlington. It has brought out the ugly. And if you are reading this and think that I'm talking about you, you're probably right. I'm sure you know who you are. I doubt you honestly feel good about it, either.
Allow me to clear the air, then, if I might. Let me lay down the facts. In the last 4 years, we've come home a total of 8 times, the shortest flight of which was 9 hours long. If those flights were all direct, which I can assure you that most were NOT, that would give us a total of 150+ hours of in flight time. Tacking on 2 hours before the flight and an hour for baggage claim, Department of Agriculture, Immigration, and/or Customs (which I think is a very conservative estimate), you're looking at over 175 hours. Now, let's talk travel to and from the airport at being a minimum of an hour each way and we're up to over 205 hours of travel time. And this is not including lay over times, delays, and cancelled flights. I think I'd be well within the realm of reason to say that we've spent over 250 hours traveling home in the last four years.
That's a lot to ask of small children. And the parents of small children.
I haven't even taken into account the expense in terms of money spent on airfare, car rentals, clothing (yes, when people from the tropics go home for a Chicago Christmas, they must BUY winter clothes, coats, hats, etc), travel incidentals (like dining out, hotels, day trips here and there), and dog kennels. Then we have the ever so very, very precious VACATION TIME! During those 4 years and 8 trips home, we've spent a grand total of 30 weeks, or 7 and a half months, in Chicagoland. That would be like you going on an almost month long Hawaiian vacation twice a year. With your kids. We've easily spent over $20,000 and ALL of our vacation time on going home to visit.
This means we don't get to go on Caribbean vacations like you. My kids haven't done the Disney World cruise and most likely never will. Hell, Mike and I haven't been on a vacation, just the two of us... well... we went once to Thailand for four days, and no, it was NOT our honeymoon (for our honeymoon we had my mom, dad, two brothers, my grandma, grandpa, and aunt). We've never been to Vegas or the Dells or Cancun. Our trip to Shanghai was our very first trip anywhere as a family. And again, it was just a long weekend. We didn't have any extra time off since we were saving it up for our trip home in June/July.
In essence, we sacrifice a lot to come home.
Now, why would anyone in their right mind do such a thing? Because I think it is important for my children to know the people that love them. Living so far from home, my kids are sometimes closer to the neighbors than their aunties and to their playmates than their cousins. I don't want my kids to wonder who their grandparents are. It is important to us to come home. We want to come home for christenings and weddings and birthdays. While we may not make it to everything, we certainly try.
In return all we ask is just a few things.
Don't ask us to drive to you. I've just put my kids through a long ass flight (Seoul to Chicago is 15 hours -- do that with a 4 year old and a 2 year old, I dare ya). Do not expect me to then strap them into their carseats for an hour, hour and a half, or two hour car ride to see your happy ass. Come to us. While I was happy to drive around all of Chicagoland before we had kids, I ain't doing it now. We're either at my parents' house in Palatine or Mike's parents' condo in Schaumburg. We're easy to find. Wanna see us? Drive on out.
Don't expect to see us only on weekends or weekday evenings. There aren't that many weekend days in a three week visit. We are usually booked up with birthday parties, barbecues, special events, and the like. Showing up after work isn't a good plan, either. My kids go to bed between 7 and 8 at night. Don't show up at 6pm expecting a nice visit. It ain't happening. We're getting jammies on, teeth brushed, books read, and prayers said. If you want a nice visit, take a day or two, or ::oh, my gosh, I couldn't!:: THREE days off of work and hang out with us. We take vacation time to spend in Chicago with you. You could do the same.
Don't expect one on one, exclusive, alone time visits. Particularly if you are trying to see us only on the weekends. We have a lot of people to squeeze in and in order to get them all in, we do a lot of group things. If every year on the third Tuesday after autumnal equinox you spend the day at the arboretum with your cousin's wife's sister in law's dog groomer's friend, then fine. But you could invite us to go along with. We wouldn't mind and it would be a chance for you to keep your plans and yet squeeze in a visit with us. Again, if you don't like that idea, take some time off of work, pull the kids out of school, and hang out with us.
If you haven't bothered to come out to visit us, you are lower on the priority list of people to see, regardless of how close in blood relation you are. I have friends that have come out multiple times. My cousin and aunt have come out twice. Friends of my parents have come out for a visit. In my book, those people who place such a premium on seeing my children that they spend their time and money to come to us for a visit are first in line. Those who, in lieu of a visit to us, spend their resources on sunning their leathered skin on the deck of a luxury liner as their children frolic in a cartoon character run on-board daycare, can step to the back with the other handbags. We'll see you when and if we can.
Don't get angry with us if plans go awry and we don't have a chance to catch up with one another. No, we don't expect you to drop everything and race to accommodate us. And we also don't get angry or even hurt if our times just don't jive and we completely miss one another. It happens. It sucks. But it happens. Pointing fingers, blaming us, spreading vicious lies, and causing great family schisms over it won't fix the problem. Ya know what might, though? Come out and spend two weeks with us! You're always welcome.
I had no intention of naming names. But I will. Here. In this one instance. My brother Chris and his wife Missy are a shining beacon of the way it can be done. They live over 5 hours away by car from my parents' home. For whatever reason, money, resources, time, desire, they have not come out to see us. Yet, every single time that we come home, they make that 5 hour trip, (that's 1 way, by the way) to see us without question or complaint. Never once have they missed a trip. Never once have they whined that we don't come down to see them. Because they live far away, too, when they do come up, there is usually a fairly large crowd gathered around to visit with them as well as with us. Never once have they complained that they don't get one on one time. Every single Christmas we've been home, they've cut their Christmas morning short to pack up their kids and make the long trek up to spend a late Christmas dinner with us. Every time. Never complaining. Always glad to spend even just a short weekend with us. We're so blessed to have them. And if either of you are reading this, thank you. You probably have no clue how much it means to know that while others are bickering, whining, guilt tripping, and throwing tantrums, we can count on a pleasant, hassle free visit with you guys.
In closing I'd like to say that we'll continue coming out as often as we always have. I'd like to say that we so enjoy our visits home and will keep spending our time and money doing so. Sadly, this is not the case. Over the course of the last four years, we have reached our fill of what I'd consider abuse of our willingness to give. Every trip home has been wrought with pain and arguments. We've done our last trip home for quite a long time to come. Our doors are always open. Come and visit us where we are. But we won't be coming home. Not again. Not for a very long time.
So who like's kimchi?
posted by The Histrionics of a Fat Housewife at 8:39 AM
8 Comments:
I think you've said it best for all the military or far away living families. You know, in the 7 years Thomas and I were together, we never ONCE took a vacation that was FOR US? We were always visiting family. And we were always putting up with the complaining about seeing this one or that one. And we didn't even have kids. I can't even imagine. Anyway, my new job gives me THREE (wow, almost up to military standards..) weeks of vacation a year, and with just me to support (and Luna) the pay will be more than sufficient for me to take a much deserved vacation...I'm thinking about Seoul in 2007...what do you think? ;0
We do. We did so enjoy our visit to Korea. I have my hopes on Germany next..oh it isnt in the running tho. hhmm
Hope this blog helps heal and repairs some of the bad. We do love having you "home". But you two do need to include in your family life... family (meaning you, mike and children) vacations. Things that the kids will remember doing with the two of you. Life is precious and short. Now is the time to bond with your children. Tomorrow is only a promise. We will visit you where ever you land, you know us have toothbrush (no toothpaste tho) will travel.
we love you all
mom and ken
who wouldn't want to come to Hawaii and stay for free... especially when you lived on Dog Beach.. that rocked.. me and my girl Alex went walking at 5am every morning.. my body clock never quite got used to Hawaii time!
The same thing happened to me for years. To add to that, I live in California, so everyone comes out to visit me, stay at my house for free and I would actually use my vacation time to show them around!
No more!!
Boy, can I relate!
When my family still lived up north, they would rent cribs and toys and such for the kids so we wouldn't have to drag anything with us. My ex's family did shit for us. In fact, we had to work around their schedules 'til it got to the point where I forced my ex to take the kids by himself so I wouldn't have to deal with all the selfish behavior and it was he who paid for it when my kids missed their naps and were cranky little poopheads.
I ended a friendship with one gal because she went off on me one time in a lengthy Email message about how I used my son and his naptimes as a scape goat. A single woman, no kids, didn't live near her family and she couldn't work around my son's schedule? Screw that.
I don't blame you for not wanting to travel to see people when you feel so unappreciated. Maybe this post will get some of the people close to you to open their eyes.
Sometimes it's even worse when they come to you. I just go over the in law and Sister in law incursion.
But thankfully, neither included ME on a plane for 12 hours with children. Hopefully the not so nice people read this and act better
That's a great story. Waiting for more. »
What a great site » »
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