Motherhood -- An Army of One

Nobody tells you motherhood is going to be this hard. Nobody. You hear about the sleepless nights and the stretchmarks, the "terrible twos" and teenager hell. But it is always counter balanced by some amazingly drippy drivel about children being the light in what was previously a very dark and gloomy life.

I'll tell you right now, my children absolutely ARE the light of my life. They are the most precious things I have ever been blessed to behold. The love I feel for them is overpowering. There are times, when I watch them sleeping peacefully after a full day, I can hardly believe such beauty has touched my life.

But I'm here to tell you right now, let there be no question, motherhood is DAMN hard work. I've never worked so hard before and I doubt I ever will. Those that claim otherwise are either childless, brainless, or memory-less. Most older women I know are the latter.

I was walking through the commissary the other day and a woman came up to me and said, "Oh, your children are so cute. I miss when my kids were that little. My kids are off in college now."

My reply took her off guard. I said, "I cannot wait for the day when I miss my kids being this little." She was shocked, almost horrified that I would say something like that. She walked off to check the ripeness of pineapple muttering, "You need to appreciate all those little cuddles. They'll be too old to cuddle before you know it."

The thing is, I'm sure she's right. They will be too old to cuddle before I know it. I will look at them while they are sleeping and wonder where my babies went. I already have that twinge of longing when Reilly Kate pushes me away to go and play with her friends. And she is only two!

Yet, what that lady is forgetting, what we all forget as our children get older and more independent of us, is how hard it is, how much work it is, how much stress it is to be solely responsible for little ones too young to do a thing for themselves. Quite frankly, it is probably the hardest job in the world. You are constantly "on." There is never a coffee break, let alone a decent night's sleep. I cannot even remember the last time I was able to go the bathroom alone. I shower now with the curtain open. I cannot wait for a chance to go get away for an hour, but as soon as I am, all I can think of is "my babies" and then I rush home to get back to them.

It's like having the most stressful job with driven, sometimes difficult bosses. All week long all you think of is the weekend. If you could just get away, you think, then you could relax and recharge. If you could only have a vacation, then you'd come back to your job with renewed energy. Then on the weekend, all you can think of is getting back to work. Only this is worse. You love your bosses more than anything. Your bosses are like the air you breathe. You need them. They need you. A perfect match made in... HOMEMAKER HELL!!!

Saying stuff like this is very unpopular. I remember once when Reilly was about 8 months old, Oprah did a show on it. The whole show was dedicated to how difficult being a mother is. There were many women on that show from all walks of life, all saying the same thing: This is stinking' hard. Each had her own story of woe. While they all agreed that they loved their children and would never trade them in (who is willing to do a trade for kids anyway? Could I, say, trade my kids in for a new car or something?), they still needed to let people know how very, very hard it is. Something no one ever told them.

The negative response from viewers, men and women alike, was enough to warrant a second show. A few weeks later they brought both sides together on the show. I was shocked to hear how many older women were really angry with the younger moms for revealing the god awful truth about motherhood. It was as if they were all June Cleaver and never had a bad day when their children were small. The looked at the young mothers with dumbfounded looks on their faces. Just could literally not understand what was so hard about motherhood.

Anyone who reads about my typical days around here knows exactly what I find so hard. And I know I'm not alone. Today I spent a great deal of time comforting, consoling, sharing, and supporting some fellow mother friends. No two are alike in circumstance or personality and yet they all shared the same story. Motherhood is hard. It is isolating. It is overwhelming. There is a loss of self: self worth, self esteem, physical self, spiritual self, emotional self. All the while you are losing these, you are expected to do it with a smile, a clean house, and flat tummy.

There is a lot of judgment on mothers today. More so than any generation before us. It is not something that our mothers shared or will ever understand. Back when I was an infant, formula was encouraged which took a lot of pressure off the new mom. If a two week old wasn't sleeping through the night, you gave them some rice cereal. If that didn't work, it was suggested you let them cry it out, "it stretches their lungs." Napping was vital and television a good, educational babysitter. There were no carseats to research, buy, and install. Inoculations weren't questioned. Cheese in a can was modern food, packed full of enriched nutrients. Anyone remember Tang?

The modern new mother is breastfeeding her baby every two to three hours or more if the baby is fussy while squeezing fresh oranges in a juicer and making breastmilk yogurt for her toddler. We don't let our babies wail in the bassinet. We strap them to our bodies and "wear" them the way Dr. Sears told us to. The television is monitored and controlled and when it is employed as a babysitter is the source of massive amounts of heavy laden guilt. There are playdates and baby school, toddler dance class and gymnastics, Kindermusik, Gymboree, and the all important midday Le Leche League meetings. All of which involve the necessary car rides in car seats which need to buckled up and unbuckled and buckled back up (it takes me ten minutes just to run into Blockbuster to return movies). There's no time for naps. Naps are done in the carseats while driving to the next activity.

It's different world today. It'll be a different world tomorrow. I just hope that when my daughter has children, she is well prepared for it to be this hard. I hope I don't forget. I have my video camera on a lot, trying to capture the difficult times as much as the fun times. I want to remember all the times.

I want to long for a time when my kids were this little. I want to long for a time when sleep wasn't an option. I want to play those videos and long for the days. But right now, those days are really, really LONG.